The Best Profile I Have Ever Read

So I’m on one of my dating sites and I figure I would browse around a bit.  I came across this cute guy and read the entire profile.  I was laughing my ass off through the whole thing!  Now THIS is a profile I dig from a guy.  Of course I love a guy with a sense of humor.  Usually guys don’t put anything or just a few lines or how they don’t want drama, blah, blah, blah.  But this… this was original.
The line from Highlander about Connor McCloud had me seriously in tears.
The Following is from various website questions that I have been asked. I hope this makes your brain explode. * Tell us about the most important quality you are looking for in a mate and why. I’m looking for a girl that can dance and sing at the same time so I can re-inact the ending of “Grease”. *Does anyone ever read this stuff? Tell us where you view yourself 5 years from now. Family? Career? 5 years from now I’ll be in the fuuuutuuuurrre!! (ooh don’t forget to add in the “echo” effects when you say that.) *What was your life like growing up? Education? Family? Struggles? Accomplishments? I was raised by a pack of wolves who gave me the jungle name “Mobley”… Oh wait? I’m sorry, I got my life mixed up with “the Jungle Book” again. Does that happen to anyone else here? Comon anyone? No? *** Favorite authors or books Aldous Huxley, James Clavell, Steven King, Hugh Heffner Which animal best describes your personality? um, like my second most favorite animal ever…a LIGER …GOSH! (Can I have your Tots?) ** What words best describe your personality? Supercalifragilisticixpialidocius ** Tell us about your views on dating etiquette. Door opening? Who pays? Every time I take a date out to a fine restuarant like Taco Bell, I always make sure that I hold the door and pay for dinner… Just kidding, I only take dates to Burger King. =) All kidding aside, I’m a classy guy. (if you replace the word “classy” with the word “Primate” and the word “Guy” with “loves Banannas”.) ** What are you most proud of? The time me and the rest of “the gang” discovered that “Old Man Winters” was actually behind the spooky haunting of the amusment park while trying to rob the nearby bank! (Thanks to help of Mama Cass, Sonny and Cher, and the Harlem Globe Trotters) Oh boy did we laugh when he said, “And I would of gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!” ** Do you live with anyone? Family/Roommates? I have an poison spitting Baboon locked in my closet whom I have been driving crazy with my Swiss Yodelling lessons. Someday he’ll probably break out and kill me for driving him mad… but hey, if he doesn’t like swiss yodelling than that is HIS problem! ** Have you ever hurt anyone’s feelings intentionally? When I was 6, I buried my “Chewbacca” action figure in the backyard for no good reason. So you see it’s true… You DO always hurt the ones you love. =( !!!! (Chewbacca voice) ** What qualities do you look for in the people you date? First I sniff your butt, then I make sure your leg is strong enough to hump it…then I check to see if you have any food or nice tasty bacon treats on you…after that we’d bark at each other and maybe rip up a shoe or something…. Hey DOWN BOY!! Get away from my keyboard!! WTF? My dog was typing on my PC again… Bad dog! BAD BAD BAD!! ** Tell us the best or worst lie you’ve ever told. Napoleon Dynomite was “based on a true story” of the actualy events of my life. But in the true story, there were ninjas. (The producres left them out due to budget constraints and pyro-technical problems during filming.) ** Any alergies/disabilities? Just one baby… Kryptonite! ** Why should that lucky woman pick you? One word… “MOJO” Baby YEAH! Do I make you hornny baby? Do I? ** Tell us about your favorite movie and why you like it so much. Instead of answering this question I’ll just recite the things that the kid in Jerry McGuire said: 1. The human head weighs 8 pounds 2. Dogs and Bees can smell fear 3. My neighbor has 3 rabbits ** Tell us what celebrity your sense of humor is most like and why. Instead of answering this question I would like to point out that mashed potatos taste better if you make them from scratch… =) well they do! ** What qualities do you look for in the people you date? Integrity, Honest, Kindness, A sense of Humor….and oh yeah! The sword fighting skills of Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. ** Tell us more about your zodiac sign. Who the hell cares about my Zodiac sign? Just read your placemat the next time you eat at a Chinese Restuarant. I would rather like to talk about my favorite planet…Uranus. =) ** What are some activities that you’d enjoy on a date? What? No selection for no-holds-barred Canadian Bear wrestling? After “Legends of the fall” came out, every girl I go out with wants me to do this? ** Tell us what you would do if you were given $1 million dollars. Invest? Travel? Pay bills? I’d hire the “A-Team” what else? ** Tell us what you would ask for if you were granted 3 wishes. That depends? Would a really hot Genie like “Barbara Eden” be giving me the wishes or would it be some dude? Because really, I dont want guys having anything to do with my wishes…know what I mean? **Tell us what things in life are most important to you? I would like to turn this question over to “Conan the Barbarian” – 1977 Conan, what is best in life? -To crush the enemy… -To see them driven before you… -and to hear the lamentations of thier women! ** Tell us how you think other people view you and your appearance. At first glance they think I’m mild mannered Tommy Holly. But after I duck into the nearest phone booth and change into Superman they think… …that they might call the cops. 😦 ** What is your favorite item of clothing? My lucky midget’s foot. (I really had to pull on that fuc*ker hard to get the foot off of em’ but it was worth it!) ** More about my ethnicity… My real name is Connor McCloud of the Clan McCloud. I was born in the Highlands of Scotland in 1492… I am immortal… I cannot die. ** What is your most humbling moment? I’ll make a long story really short… I was on stage a few years back and my costume had a hole in the worst possible spot. Later I was told people cold see my ball*s! UGH Yeah I still have nightmares about that one. ** In your bedroom one will find… Whips, chains, and a Oompa Loompa tied up in the corner…YEAH BABY YEAH!! Just kidding, the Oompa Loompa isn’t tied up! ** What celebrity do you resemble most? I’m Rick James bee*atch! Congratulations readers! You have made it to the end of my profile. Much like many a Shel Silverstein poem, this is “where the sidewalk ends…” =) Oh yeah here is some stuff that akes sense about me for reading all this insane cra*p, haha!

3 Responses to “The Best Profile I Have Ever Read”

  1. Nail Whore Says:

    That was good! I was laughing like a mad cow…. So, are you going to date him????

  2. Martini Girl Says:

    Now see, I found his profile original and very humorous. I think you know I like men who make me laugh, especially those smart ass kiwi’s. 😉

    Hmmm… I don’t know.

  3. tommyholly Says:

    That was me!! Haha!
    (I think my screen name was Tyler Durdyn)

    That’s awesome. You can’t imagine the amount of hate mail I got for doing that on the dating site.

    Girls would tell me, “OMG, it took me 30 minutes to read all that crap only to find you had written nothing about yourself. I’ve reported you to Mate1.”

    When I originally wrote that, it looked nice and was in proper paragraphs. The website edited it and grouped it all together in one big blurb, so it’s hard to read.

    Thanks for saying I’m cute. =)

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