Most of this year I have been a trooper. Being a single unemployed home owner has taken it’s toll on me though. I have been laid off and unemployed for over a year now.
Tonight I went to dinner with my parents and brother (who is in town) and it was very nice for the most part. After dinner my brother wanted to go into Hobby Lobby and I had never been in this store before. Of course it’s my kind of store. At one point as I was looking at all the pretty things I said, “God, I haven’t been able to buy myself things in over a year!” I said it out loud to my mom and it was in a slight “upset” voice. She turned to me and said, “Now don’t go getting all upset right now.” in her scolding and half irritated tone.
This upset me inside. I felt the tears starting but managed to hold them back. I bit my tongue and didn’t say a word. I held it all in as I looked through isles and isles of pretty things I cannot buy. Inside I was very upset. I almost wanted to lash out at my mother, which I never do or have a desire to do. I wanted to say, “You have NO idea what this feels like. You have never experienced what I’m going through. You are retired. You are not ALONE. You don’t have to worry about losing your home and watching everything else you have worked so hard for, disappear.” But I didn’t. I kept quiet, sucked it up and thought, yes, the family doesn’t need to have their nice night ruined with my selfish drama right now.
Of course the first few isles were crammed full of stuff for Valentine’s Day. Another reminder that I’m alone and won’t get flowers or gifts or cards or kisses and hugs from a boyfriend or significant other. Not that I need to be showered with gifts or flowers but I never get them. Haven’t for many years. A hug and kiss would suite me fine, but I don’t get those either. Another year of being single and alone on top of everything else.
Sometimes I get really jealous when I hear or see people I know buying homes and cars and everything their hearts desire and taking advantage of the cheap real estate while people like me are losing it all. Seeing them with their families. And even having the luxury of whining and complaining about the job they have. What is even more irritating is hearing about how they mostly don’t work very hard at their job and goof off a lot while people like me can’t even get the work I was so very good at and worked hard at.
I have been independent all my life. I worked for EVERYTHING I have. NO ONE GAVE me things or “helped me out” like so many others I know. I worked hard. I moved myself up the corporate ladder. I built my life. I paid all my bills. I paid them all on time. I have never been in debt. I don’t cheat or steal and very ethical. I was a good girl living a decent life. I just don’t understand why this has happened to me and I’m really, really, really pissed off about it.
I know there are a lot of things I should be thankful for and I am. I do recognize it. I know that I’m being whiney right now too. It comes in waves. It’s hard sometimes to be Polly Positive all the time and be the brave trooper I usually am. But going on 15 months of it… I’m really upset and pissed.
If I just had someone here to hold me and hug me… it would not fix the problems of course, but it would really make me feel better. It would be nice to just have someone be a cheerleader in my corner saying, “You’ll get there. You’ll find something soon, you are a smart girl. Screw everyone else! I think you are the best and you aren’t alone.” and blah blah blah while their arms were around me.
I’m sure I’ll be better tomorrow. I’m just throwing a little tantrum right now and needed to vent.