It's My Shitty Situation and I'll Cry If I Want to

Most of this year I have been a trooper.  Being a single unemployed home owner has taken it’s toll on me though.  I have been laid off and unemployed for over a year now. 
Tonight I went to dinner with my parents and brother (who is in town) and it was very nice for the most part.  After dinner my brother wanted to go into Hobby Lobby and I had never been in this store before.  Of course it’s my kind of store.  At one point as I was looking at all the pretty things I said, “God, I haven’t been able to buy myself things in over a year!”  I said it out loud to my mom and it was in a slight “upset” voice.  She turned to me and said, “Now don’t go getting all upset right now.” in her scolding and half irritated tone.
This upset me inside.  I felt the tears starting but managed to hold them back.  I bit my tongue and didn’t say a word.  I held it all in as I looked through isles and isles of pretty things I cannot buy.  Inside I was very upset.  I almost wanted to lash out at my mother, which I never do or have a desire to do.  I wanted to say, “You have NO idea what this feels like.  You have never experienced what I’m going through.  You are retired.  You are not ALONE.  You don’t have to worry about losing your home and watching everything else you have worked so hard for, disappear.”  But I didn’t.  I kept quiet, sucked it up and thought, yes, the family doesn’t need to have their nice night ruined with my selfish drama right now.
Of course the first few isles were crammed full of stuff for Valentine’s Day.  Another reminder that I’m alone and won’t get flowers or gifts or cards or kisses and hugs from a boyfriend or significant other.  Not that I need to be showered with gifts or flowers but I never get them.  Haven’t for many years.  A hug and kiss would suite me fine, but I don’t get those either.  Another year of being single and alone on top of everything else.
Sometimes I get really jealous when I hear or see people I know buying homes and cars and everything their hearts desire and taking advantage of the cheap real estate while people like me are losing it all.  Seeing them with their families.  And even having the luxury of whining and complaining about the job they have.  What is even more irritating is hearing about how they mostly don’t work very hard at their job and goof off a lot while people like me can’t even get the work I was so very good at and worked hard at.
I have been independent all my life.  I worked for EVERYTHING I have.  NO ONE GAVE me things or “helped me out” like so many others I know.  I worked hard.  I moved myself up the corporate ladder.  I built my life.  I paid all my bills.  I paid them all on time.  I have never been in debt.  I don’t cheat or steal and very ethical.  I was a good girl living a decent life.  I just don’t understand why this has happened to me and I’m really, really, really pissed off about it.
I know there are a lot of things I should be thankful for and I am.  I do recognize it.  I know that I’m being whiney right now too.  It comes in waves.  It’s hard sometimes to be Polly Positive all the time and be the brave trooper I usually am.  But going on 15 months of it… I’m really upset and pissed.
If I just had someone here to hold me and hug me… it would not fix the problems of course, but it would really make me feel better.  It would be nice to just have someone be a cheerleader in my corner saying, “You’ll get there.  You’ll find something soon, you are a smart girl.  Screw everyone else!  I think you are the best and you aren’t alone.” and blah blah blah while their arms were around me.
I’m sure I’ll be better tomorrow.  I’m just throwing a little tantrum right now and needed to vent.

10 Responses to “It's My Shitty Situation and I'll Cry If I Want to”

  1. Dan Says:

    Hey, Things will get better !!! If I told you the year that I’ve had you’d say ” Hey’ things are Rosy ” ! Life and Money is like the Tide ! The good times roll out – but they ALWAYS come back again ! It’s just how the guy upstairs makes us stronger and wiser and better able to help others in similar situations ! That may sound a little corney, but I actually believe it !
    Anyway, Feel free to stay in touch and see ya on Twitter !
    Dan L

  2. Martini Girl Says:

    Thanks Dan. Believe it or not it helps me hearing that.

  3. It’s Following Me « Desert Martini Says:

    […] January 17, 2009 @ 12:33 am } · { Uncategorized } { } One thing I forgot to mention in this post when I was having an emotional tantrum in my head during my visit to Hobby Lobby.  It  was […]

  4. 3rdtimesacharm( 3T ) Says:

    I want to wrap my arms around you and tell you it’s going to be all right Lori. I have been in your situation partially, but not to this degree. You have every right to stomp your feet and vent when you feel like it. We all need to on occasion.

    I want you to know, I consider you one of the strongest women I have had the pleasure to get to know through blogging. What you have been through and are going through is rough, plain and simple.

    I can’t completely relate, but my husband came very close to being a casualty of the last round of lay-offs where he works. (They did away with his position, as well as several other management level positions) It was what I was worried sick about through October and November. Our 401K took a 40% hit at the same time. In the end he took a significant pay cut and accepted a position that when I met him 8 years ago, is basically where he started out at. And yes, we considered ourselves one of the lucky ones.

    This economy has played havoc on the job market, to say the least, Lori. You are an extremely intelligent, bright, beautiful woman. One that I know under normal circumstances would not be in the position you are, if not for the overall ill economy that we’re sufferring through. I’ll keep you in my prayers Lori. Until I get to read that you have found a job and are excited to start it!

    And as simple-minded as this might sound, if I were able to, I’d give you the money to carry you until conditions improved. I know you know, there but by the grace of God, go any of us. You can vent, cry, stomp your feet and worry here; I know your friends will be here to listen and support you as much as is possible.

    You have been the pillar of strength throughout this ordeal. A strength I admire and look up to. Your attitude has remained consistently positive beyond comprehension. At the risk of sounding cliche, you’re going through the fire, and will come out of this stronger and like a diamond, polished glowing brightly, beautiful lady!

    If there is any way that I CAN help, I want to my friend. Even if it’s just to take you out to lunch for an old fashioned girls vent and bitch session. I’m not just saying that either. I can’t navigate my way out of a paperbag, but I would love for you to come out here to the East Valley and spend some hours hanging out, venting, and maybe laugh a little. (I’ll even buy the gas for you to get here) If you can think of a day next week, that you’d like to escape the realities for a few hours, or just vent about them, consider this a heartfelt invitation to do so. Plus, I’d love to finally meet the lady behind Desert Martini!

    I want to thank you for your thought-out articulate advice regarding my neighbors. Your advice will help me with that situation!
    With love,

  5. Martini Girl Says:

    You are such a sweetheart T. Thanks so much for your kind words.

    I hate that your husband had to go through a type of downgrading in his work – that soooo bites the big one. It sucks. But I’m glad he was able to stay employed – that’s the important thing for sure.

    I’d love to take you up on your offer to get together! It will probably be a couple of weeks though as I am still sick from a cold and want to be completely well and not contagious. But let’s do!

  6. 3rdtimesacharm( 3T ) Says:

    I’ll give you a couple of weeks and check back with you on a good date, Lori! Hang in there! I think you’re nothing short of strong and amazing!
    (((HUGS))) to you,


  7. Lincoln Says:

    Awww, c’mere and lemme give you a hugsy wugsy. =D

    When I was homeless, believe me I hated everyone who seemed to have it all. The worst was when I was interviewing for a new job that seemed absolutely awesome and they blew me off. At the same time a few of my friends got great new jobs of their own AND got married on top of that. I wanted to DIE.

    But somewhere along the way I just began to understand the things people have are all crap. It really is. It breaks, it gets old and worn, and you have to keep buying and buying to replace it all. Now I’m trying to get RID of crap because I can’t take it anymore. I’ve learned to be content with having the basic necessities of life (as long as I have internet access, hee hee), and it doesn’t bother me at all that I don’t have a house because I see it as a burden rather than a blessing. It’s all about perspective really.

    You’ll find a job again soon, and it’ll be a good one. Of this I’m certain. 🙂

    I hear you about Valentine’s too. You should see some of my vicious blog posts on it too, in fact I’m going to repost them on the front page in the next week or so. 😉

  8. Martini Girl Says:

    Lincoln – thanks so much for your kind words. Homeless? Good Lord. Glad you are out of that now.

    Valentine’s day… I hear ya buddy. I used to post some humorous stuff like that too on my old blog. In fact, I don’t even call it Valentine’s Day, I call it “Singles Awareness Day.”

  9. Lincoln Says:

    LOL, speaking of which, here’s a link to my anti-valentine series from last year in case you were curious:

    Don’t know how I’m going to top that for this year though. :O

  10. Martini Girl Says:

    Those were cute. The ad was too funny.

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