Third Time The Charm?

Obviously not in my case.  I have been in love three times in my life and sadly all three men have completely broken my heart.  I’m devastated.  I’m turning 40 tomorrow on top of this and I’ll be alone.  Not to mention everything else I have lost these last two years. 
I seriously don’t know what I have done to deserve any of this.  I have always been a good girl for the most part.  I have always been hard working, followed laws, followed the rules, paid my bills, had excellent credit, I never intentionally hurt people, I tried hard to be aware of hurting people when I didn’t realize it and once I did – was genuinely sorry.  I’ve never been greedy.  I have always tried to be a kind person.  A thoughtful person.  I have always tried to be a really great friend.  I have always tried to be a good daughter and sister.  I have always been an ethical person and even call out injustices when I see them.  I have always tried to be a good mentor and coach and example to all the employees I have ever had working for me.  I have always tried to be a good employee for my bosses.  I never cheated at anything or tried to take “easy ways” or short cuts – ever – and these are things that I see many, many, many people do.  I have always tried really, really, really hard to be an honest person because having honesty is important to me.  I have tried to give back to my community with charity and volunteer work.  I was even celibate for many years – a good girl.
I’m in no way saying I am perfect.  I procrastinate sometimes, I don’t take the best care of my body, I have a mouth like a sailor, I gossip, I have hurt people (though I try really hard not to), I’m not a patient person, I hold grudges, I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I talk too much, I annoy people, I’m picky, I’ve lost friends, I’m uneducated, I can lash out with my temper, I’m opinionated, I’m overweight, I can be selfish, and one of my big ones that I have tried really hard to improve on is that I’m judgmental.  I’m much better than I used to be but it’s still seeps up sometimes.
But I think for the most part, I have been a good person and have tried to do the right thing.
Then the MCI WorldCom scandal happened and I lost my entire 401k and stock that I had been earning and saving for 14 years.  Gone over night.  Ok, I really didn’t get too bent out of shape over that because well… what could I do?  Nothing.  So, I honestly did my best to shrug it off and move on.  And I did.  Then I got laid off (which actually was my 2nd time being laid off from MCI).  Ok… a few months later got another job.  Took a pay cut and demotion.  Fine.  I sucked it up and moved on.  Soon got promoted and making a better salary again.  Cool.  Then got laid off again on October 31, 2007 and the economy exploded.  I could not find a job to save my life.  Any job.  Even bottom of the barrel jobs in retail and grocery stores and telemarketing.  Nothing.  This went on and stayed unemployed till April of 2009 where Wmrt was the ONLY place that hired me for PT only for just over $8 an hour and no benefits.  I’m still there.  I’m still applying every week to professional jobs.  Nothing.  I can’t afford my home now after paying on it for 14 years by myself.  All my money is basically for food, gas, a bill here and there and some small luxuries like cheap makeup and manicures.
After I got laid off I seriously began to wonder what I had done wrong and why this was happening.  I decided not to be a good girl anymore.  So I did things.  I wasn’t celibate anymore.  I said and did things that I would normally judge others badly for if I saw them doing it.  But I don’t know if it was my age or where I was in my life or because of these things that happened but I thought, “Well being a good girl got me nothing in the end so fuck it, I’ll be like everyone else and just do whatever the fuck I want.”  In the end, all I did was lose more.  I ended up hurting people.  I got hurt.  Hurting bad too.
Having my heart broken for the third time is devastating.  I’m right back where I started in asking why is this happening to me?  Why did this person seek me out?  How can I win?  I only want the simple things in life.  To make a decent living – decent enough to pay my bills and my mortgage with a few extras.  Not much – I don’t need furs or diamonds or a brand new car every year or a trip to the Bahamas every year.  I’m not some high maintenance woman who has to have 80 pairs of shoes in my closet like a lot of women.  I want to meet a nice single man who will love me and want to spend the rest of his life with me as his partner in crime.  To raise a healthy and happy family.  To have someone that I can spoil and who will spoil me back – not necessarily with “things” but love and affection.  I want to have someone in my life who I get along with, to have fun with, passion with, that we make each other laugh.  All I seem to attract are married men or creeps or men only wanting sex, or people way out of my age range, or people I just don’t have the chemistry with.
Before all this I was a happy person.  Lived a simple and regular life.  I thought about marriage and kids sometimes and always thought, “I’d like to, sure.  If it happens, it happens.”  I was never on a “husband hunt” like some women.  I just figured I’d meet someone one day and that would be that.  But lately been desiring it.  Resenting everyone who has it.  I don’t know if it’s because of everything that has happened or my age or what.
This last heartbreak is devastating in so many ways.  Especially at how it ended. I’m also being kept in the dark and didn’t even get a proper good-bye.  I’m so upset.  I’m so hurt and angry that this person sought me out and having to be put through this and yet mad at myself for letting it go on and happen too because I know better.  It just happened.  All this may seem cryptic to the very few people reading this and that’s ok.  It has to be.  Sorry.  Maybe you’ll figure it out. 
I have really and sincerely tried to keep positive these last two years.  Sometimes I would have a mini break down and rant about it here on the blog, but for the most part, I’ve tried to be positive.  To keep going.  Not giving up.  Trying to be strong for others going through similar things.  But for the last week now, I’ve been doing nothing but crying my eyes out.  Feeling devastation and pain.  Will I ever trust another man?  Will I even bother to let another one in my heart?  Will I ever find a career again?  Will I lose my house and be able to have another home of my own again?
I ask myself and God what lessons am I suppose to be learning from all these things that have happened?  I don’t get it.  Then I wonder if I’m suppose to be someone else’s lesson.  The thought of that makes me incredibly angry.  I do not appreciate all the suffering I am going through to be someone else’s lesson.  I’ve had too much in my life these last few years.
I love this man very much and so this is just excruciating to have it be over like this.   I have only gotten a few lines of explanation of the whole situation and in the dark which just made it worse.  I’m the one left hanging out in the wind and I have no idea how to get through this.  All I know is, it’s over and I’ll probably never hear from him again.  As heart broken as I am, I wish him well.
It may seem I am here writing this looking for sympathy or playing the victim.  I’m not.  I’m just tired of it all.  I just need to get it out and this is the only place and way I know to do that.  It just happens to be my life right now and it hurts.
I’m guessing I’m babbling at this point and starting to not make sense.  I need to go to bed.
Please God… please no more.  Please.  I can’t take anything else.  I can’t take it anymore.

3 Responses to “Third Time The Charm?”

  1. Tracy Says:

    I wish I could tell you how much longer your trials will last, but truly only God knows. You really seem to be doing a wonderful job of coping in the meantime. I have found some much needed inspiration and encouragement from various personal-development resources, so if you haven’t checked out some of that stuff yet, maybe it’d help lift your spirits until circumstances improve.

    You have a terrific sense of humor, which is probably one of the most important personality characteristics one could have – find reasons to laugh everyday and it’ll help keep you sane during darker days!

  2. Martini Girl Says:

    Thanks for your kind words Tracy. It actually helps and puts a slight smile on my face. Though for some reason my hands have been shaking now. That has never happened to me before and it’s freaking me out a bit.

    Too bad you didn’t get to read my old blog a few years ago – I was pretty funny on that one. Yes, it’s important to keep the sense of humor. I try to do that more on my Twitter account but will try here too. Thanks again.

  3. Cindy Says:

    Oh GF! sometimes I wonder too what in the heck God is doing. Hubster says, if I could just have a peek at what he’s planning – just a clue.

    What was it that Bruce Almighty said – that God was using a magnifying glass and the humans were the ants?!

    My miserable excuse for a manager finally retired and seriously NO ONE was sorry to see his vengeful lying ass leave. I suffered through 3 root canals because I ground my teeth at night for all the crap he put me through. I believe he even stopped me from moving on within the company by bad-mouthing me (spreading rumors to others who never worked with me and apparently refused to – ‘course I have no actual proof, but just like How do tell if a lawyer is lying – his mouth is moving – just like HIM, ugh!)

    I sometimes try to remind myself of that story about the man who wants to trade in his cross and God tells him to put it down and walk around this room and pick another one. After the man walks around a bit he chooses what he thinks is a smaller cross. God tells him he chose his original cross.

    Don’t know what else to say but you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

    You will be very excited to open your first gift – it should arrive tomorrow! I’ll have to mail the other one tomorrow!

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